The first time I learned about a mid-life crisis was in a 1980s movie where the lead male actor emotionally breaks down in middle age and dyes his hair, buys a sports car or has an affair. Sometimes it’s the woman who has the mid-life crisis. She may have an affair of her own, get plastic surgery, or go on a shopping binge. I remember watching those movies as a young person, feeling like mid-life was eons away. Now, I’m 46-years old, around the same age as the characters in these films. 

I’ve not had a mid-life crisis per se, but in the fall of 2024, I experienced a bout of existential malaise, a similar but different concept. Both propel a person to reflect upon their life choices and face mortality. The difference, in my opinion, is that a mid-life crisis is action-driven while existential malaise is more of an emotional state.

A couple of years ago, my older son transferred from our local public high school to a boarding school in Asheville. He is a talented distance runner and this school and coach are renowned for developing nationally-ranked runners and teams. The school is also academically rigorous. His transfer was exciting for all of us, and it was the best choice for him. He boards on campus during the week then comes home on the weekend.

He started the new school his sophomore year. The first week he was away was soul crushing. I tried to put on a brave face, but not having him home day in and day out was beyond disorienting for me, a mom whose life heavily revolved around motherhood and my children’s activities. I knew my boys going away to college would be hard, but my son transferring to a boarding school during high school was unexpected. I wasn’t emotionally prepared.

About a month after the school year started, we were slammed by Hurricane Helene, and he came home for two weeks while they repaired the damage to campus and Asheville waited for clean water to return. For me, the one silver lining of that terrible natural disaster was having him back under our roof, even if it was only for two weeks.

During that fall, my heart was heavy. I felt a deep sense of existential malaise, missing him and spending a lot of time reflecting. Did I do a good job as his mom? Did we do enough? Did he learn all the important lessons? If you’ve dealt with the empty nest syndrome when kids go away to college, I’m sure you understand. It’s a very similar feeling.

Eventually, we all got into the swing of things with him at a new school. Each day, each month, each year becomes easier. Now, he’s a senior, and the school has been a blessing. It’s allowed him to develop into the best version of himself as an athlete, a student and a young man. He’ll be attending the University of Oregon next year on a cross country/track scholarship and the thought of him being all the way across the country isn’t bothering me as much as one would think. I know it’s because we’ve had this transition period of him already being away from home during the week. It feels like God went before us and planned this out, knowing we needed a bit of a trial run before he ultimately landed in faraway Eugene.

Throughout these past three years with him away at boarding school, I never had a mid-life crisis, despite the heartache and reflection. In fact, I feel like I experienced the opposite. Recently I read an article about a man who was having a “reverse mid-life crisis,” and that’s a much better term for what I’m feeling.

A reverse mid-life crisis is reaching a calm, contented place where you seek the opposite of the frantic searching often equated to a traditional mid-life crisis. Instead of buying a new car or new house or new handbags, you want to get rid of stuff and make your home clean, organized, and cozy. Instead of going out and partying or sowing your wild oats, you want to cook at home, stop drinking alcohol, and enjoy quiet evenings with those you love.

The only component of a mid-life crisis that’s affecting me is reaching my potential as a writer. I don’t want to celebrate my 80th or 90th birthday and feel like I’ve slacked when it comes to the written work I’ve produced. Though I’ve written six novels over the past five years, they’re all still inside of my computer. It’s time I get my fiction stories into the world, so for the past year, I’ve been studying the world of publishing, querying and working to acquire a literary agent.

Sure, we can all look back and wish we did certain things differently or made other choices about this or that, but what can we do about the past at this point? The past is an illusion, so there’s no sense wasting energy on what cannot be changed. Instead of feeling shame or guilt, I try to honor the positives from years gone by — the memories, the good choices, the successes, the growth, the healing.

The great news is we have control over our future choices and actions. Life truly does fly by. I still have a lot to learn, but one thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to pass away with creative magic left inside of me. If you’re starting to feel restless and think you need a new car or a new job or a new spouse to feel better, stop and think again. Be curious about your feelings and do some deep reflection. Maybe everything you need is under your nose and you just need to alter your perception or pivot your actions.

(Susanna Shetley is a writer and editor who lives in Haywood County. susanna.b@smokymountainnews.com.)