When domestic violence or sexual abuse victims seek justice — or even just safety — they embark on a complicated journey through the court system that is frustrating and can even make them relive their trauma.
Kit Gruelle has worked as REACH of Haywood County’s court advocate for almost four years, which brings her close to people navigating that process during a time of great destabilization.
“We do a lot to help domestic violence victims get orders of protection,” Gruelle said. “We also work with sexual assault victims. We work with human trafficking victims. We work with elder abuse cases.”
REACH Executive Director Sara Vogel said Gruelle is “very adept” in her understanding of the justice system who has decades of experience working in victim advocacy statewide and beyond.
“She’s an amazing teacher not only for myself but other advocates who are full-time,” Vogel said. “She’s a fierce and loyal fighter for victims.”
Like many women who dedicate their lives to advocating for victims, Gruelle’s commitment was born out of her own experience in a violent marriage. She recalled there were people who had the chance to intervene but didn’t, like a Waynesville doctor who saw her shortly after she’d been assaulted; she thought she had a broken jaw. Despite visible signs of injury, he didn’t ask a simple question that could save so many lives: What happened?
“I just remember feeling this tremendous sense of reinforced isolation,” Gruelle recalled.
One person did listen — a patrol officer, Tom Alexander, who would go on to become Haywood County Sheriff. One day, Gruelle’s husband took their four-month-old child. Gruelle drove to the sheriff’s office to alert the authorities and spoke with Alexander. Because Gruelle and her husband were together, he explained, there was little that could be done. But in noticing her anxiety, he sought information the doctor was perhaps too scared to discover.
“Tell me what else is going on?” he asked.
Despite Gruelle not having any fresh bruises or signs of abuse, charges were filed. But when the time came to go to court, she buckled and told the judge that everything in their relationship was fine. She’d find opportunities to leave from time to time, but she always went back.
Many ask when they hear these stories why the survivor wouldn’t speak up, but it’s not that easy. Especially in the most horrific abuse cases, fear and terror are strong tools through which someone can employ to keep another person in their grip. Others will recommend, with the best of intentions, that a victim leave their abuser. Gruelle noted that this is the most dangerous thing a person can do, especially if they don’t have a plan. Leaving should be thought of as a process, not an event, she said. Many hostage situations and even murder-suicides begin with such an attempt.
Unlike a lot of abusive relationships, Gruelle’s ended when the perpetrator died. Free of her invisible shackles, in the late 70s, she left the mountains she loved and moved to Chapel Hill, where she began her career in domestic violence advocacy and community education. Based on her own experience, she eventually partnered with UNC’s medical school to create a class for first-year students on domestic violence. She facilitated that class for 20 years.
Gruelle eventually began training law enforcement officers, including Secret Service and FBI agents. Much of that training focused on hostage negotiation situations involving a domestic abuser and their victim, which she said comprise 80% of all such incidents.
“My part of the class is teaching the negotiators the traits and characteristics of abusers, the traits and characteristics of victims, how domestic violence affects children, and then we do a lot of role playing around a hostage or barricade incident,” she said.
She’s also made related training videos, which over a decade ago brought her into contact with a documentary filmmaker.
Gruelle initially wanted to make a movie chronicling the history of the battered women movement but ended up creating a documentary focused on a case in North Carolina that was particularly egregious — both in terms of the severity of the abuse and the tepid institutional response. The movie, “Private Violence,” premiered at the Sundance Film Festival in 2014 before HBO bought it.
“I traveled around the country for about a year with HBO, screening the film in big cities and small towns, and it was pretty amazing,” Gruelle said.
In 2017, Devin Patrick Kelley shot and killed 26 people and wounded 22 others at a church in Sutherland Springs, Texas. The heinous act occurred when Kelly’s violence toward his wife spilled into public. Gruelle became involved through her work with Kelley’s wife, who was the key witness during a subsequent high-stakes civil suit.
“I want to try to develop a class somehow, some way, where we can talk about mass murder and domestic violence because domestic violence is the root cause for the majority of mass murderers in this country,” she said. “It’s just awful to see us look away from this crime. We do that at our own peril because it could mean nightmarish outcomes for a family. It can also mean nightmarish outcomes for the general public.”
Gruelle’s work has brought her into contact with some legends of her field, including the late Gloria Steinem, who was an executive producer on “Private Violence.” They worked closely for a time on that film and stayed in touch over the years. Steinem died on Sept. 2, and Gruelle has been invited to Steinum’s wake next month.
“She was so incredibly kind and humble,” Gruelle recalled.
As happy as REACH is to have Gruelle, she is happy to have landed at the nonprofit. She said REACH is unique in that workers and volunteers don’t tell abuse victims what they need to think, say, or do. They listen first so they can meet them right where they are without trying to “manage” them.
“We get to listen for their strengths and point those strengths out to them,” Gruelle said. “We want abused women start to see themselves as being wise, strong, and courageous — not what most of society tells them. They’re not stupid or weak at all. The opposite is the truth.”