Fake News Freakout: Episode 9
I started this annual feature nearly a decade ago to poke fun at the emerging scourge of fake news — lies, really — that had popped up at local government meetings. It was a prophetic move, unfortunately, and in the intervening nine or so years it’s only gotten worse.
While Hurricane Helene brought out the best in most people, it brought out the worst in others who, for financial reasons, wanted to further sensationalize what was already a sensational situation. Property was destroyed. Businesses were wiped out. Lives were ruined. People died. Those are not lies, and they’re no laughing matter.
But as the gravy train of in-kind and financial donations poured into Haywood County, it needed to be periodically refreshed with ever-more outlandish anecdotes, unsupported by facts, to tug on the heartstrings of well-meaning donors from across the country.
Among all the lies, including some spread by our next president, two in particular stand out as the most depraved and ghoulish.
The first, in the wake of the storm, was that there were 2,000 dead bodies in hard-hit Swannanoa.
Somehow, someone discovered this massive pile of corpses but failed to come away with even one photograph, in an era when nearly everyone has a high-powered camera and an internet connection in their pocket. Not a single news outlet reported anything remotely resembling a mass casualty incident, which obviously spawned the belief that we were all “covering it up,” as though such an incident could be ignored.
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The second, particularly gruesome, is that “dozens” of babies had frozen to death because their parents were forced by the government to sleep in tents. Not only were there no families sleeping in tents against their will, but there were also no frozen babies. None. Assuming the rumor to be true, again without a shred of evidence, presumes a particularly insulting scenario — that across Western North Carolina, first responders, concerned citizens, church groups and government officials were aware of the problem yet did little more than say, “Hey look, a dead baby!”
This could end up being the last Fake News Freakout because, as they say, reality is stranger than fiction, or in this case, satire. It’s getting more and more difficult to poke fun at the year’s top stories because the clickbait crowd — some local and regional media included — continues to fabricate more and more ridiculous angles than can be conceived by aspiring comedy writers.
However, we did find a few topics that we thought we could provide a little fun this year. Enjoy them — and buckle up for the next four years.
Smoky Mountain News Editor Kyle Perrotti also contributed to this year’s Fake News Freakout, which is fake.
Wastewater treatment plant renamed in honor of Pactiv CEO
The town of Canton is already home to two local landmarks that commemorate individuals who had an outsized impact on the tiny mountain milltown, but soon, they’ll be joined by a third.
The William G. Stamey Municipal Building on Park Street and the Hubert Thomas basketball courts at the Canton Recreation Center were both named after deserving members of the community; per a recent announcement, a critical piece of infrastructure responsible for collecting both solid and liquid human waste will now be known as the Michael J. King wastewater treatment facility.
A critical piece of infrastructure now has a new name. Jack Snyder photo illustration
King is more than deserving of the honor. Under his authority, in March 2023 Pactiv Evergreen announced that in just weeks, it would close the century-old paper mill at the heart of Canton.
Leaving nearly a thousand employees with little time to plan — as well as a critical health care coverage gap — King’s actions also caused a milk carton shortage in schools, jails and nursing homes.
Adding another level of supervillainy to the scheme, King then directed the company to appeal its property tax levy, leaving the town in financial limbo from its biggest taxpayer as Pactiv continues to fight.
Pactiv also continues to fight a state lawsuit alleging that the company took $12 million in the form of an economic development grant, courtesy of North Carolina taxpayers, but violated the terms of the agreement by closing the mill. The state wants the money back. King’s lawyers say no way.
Perhaps the greatest factor in naming the wastewater treatment plant after King is the fact that while the 185-acre parcel remains up for sale, Pactiv will stop treating the town’s waste in March, after doing so for decades.
The situation brightened a bit last May when a potential buyer for the parcel emerged. The two parties struck a deal and were slated to close on Oct. 1, but when Hurricane Helene tore through the region on Sept. 27 it damaged the parcel, as well as the treatment plant. The buyer refused to close until he could get a look at the damage, which Pactiv has not yet allowed. Pactiv wants the buyer to abide by the terms of the agreement, which is like agreeing to sell you a car, then wrecking it on the way to the sale but demanding you still buy it at the previously agreed upon price.
“Fittingly, the Michael J. King Wastewater Treatment Facility will stand as a monument to his legacy,” said one local official. “But remember, even when you flush, some things can keep coming back to haunt you.”
Videri quam esse: North Carolina changes state motto
North Carolinians are at their best when the chips are down. But lately, with an influx of strange travelers looking to exploit a disaster to gain social media clout amid the continued devastation from Hurricane Helene, the state’s top brass has decided that the old motto, “esse quam videri” meaning “to be rather than to seem,” just didn’t feel right anymore.
“We are proud to announce the new motto: videri quam esse,” proclaimed Wesley Wordle, the North Carolina Secretary of Syntax and Semantics. “The best and brightest in state government came together one day and just said ‘might as well.’”
The new motto flips the old, outdated one on its head.
“We are thrilled to reflect the current social media driven culture that has swept over not only North Carolina, but the entire nation,” Wordle said. “That’s why this new motto, meaning ‘to seem rather than to be’ seemed on the money, quite frankly.”
Wordle pointed to how many viral videos have come out of Western North Carolina that misrepresent easily verifiable facts as a deciding factor leading up to the change.
The onslaught of outsiders coming to the mountains began immediately as the flood waters receded late in the day on Sept. 27 of last year. Sure, plenty of people in big trucks with loads of tools arrived with an earnest desire to help the area rebuild, but they were quickly overshadowed by another group of folks armed only with slick smiles and selfie sticks.
“We didn’t know where to turn for information since we don’t trust the news or the government,” said Canton resident Prudence Credula. “This fella on YouTube seemed to speak my language. I’m angry, and he is, too! I’ve donated to his GoFundMe page about a dozen times already.”
The influx of influencers probably should have been predictable, but with each video they seem to gain strength — and clicks. One such influencer who goes by the name First Amendment Freddie told The Smoky Mountain News that efforts from local governments to curb “misinformation” are stomping all over his right to free speech.
“They’re trying to tread all over me, but I know the constitution. These folks deserve some kind of cruel — maybe even unusual — punishment, just like back in the good ol’ days. No charges, no bond, no attorney, no trial,” First Amendment Freddie said. “Honestly, their homes need to be searched, because who knows what they’re really up to? I wouldn’t even bother getting a warrant.”
Either way, even after the onslaught of admonishments, First Amendment Freddie said he isn’t going anywhere, at least not until another disaster hits somewhere else.
“A lot of people say tragedy brings the best out of people,” he said. “I don’t know about that, but I can sure as hell tell you it’s bringing the best out of my bank account.”
Telecoms find solution to prevent cellular infrastructure failure
Some of the largest cellular service providers in the southeast are taking steps to ensure that the next time a serious storm hits, people won’t be left without vital communications.
On Sept. 27, Hurricane Helene came ashore in the Gulf of Mexico, steadily working its way north to the Great Smoky Mountains. Around daybreak as the peak intensity of the storm hit Western North Carolina, cellular communications infrastructure failed, preventing subscribers from communicating with each other and drawing the ire of local officials.
Last week, AT&T, Sprint and Verizon announced the creation of a new joint venture called BirdBand Unlimited, which will roll out service to select Haywood County markets in the coming weeks.
The idea is to eventually issue a carrier pigeon, Columba livia domestica, to all 60,000 residents of the county. Subscribers will be responsible for the care and feeding of the pigeons, which technically remain the property of BirdBand, but can use them to send short messages written on tiny scraps of paper, strapped to one of the bird’s legs.
BirdBand Unlimited will soon begin providing communications services in Haywood County. Donated photo
BirdBand is expected to introduce the service with a low promotional rate of $89.99 per month for the first year, not including applicable state, federal and local taxes. Normal data and messaging rates will apply, however members of BirdBand’s “Frequent Flockers” customer loyalty program will be eligible for a pigeon upgrade after 12 months of on-time payments.
“We think this is an innovative, eco-friendly solution that will help keep our customers connected to each other, especially in times of difficulty,” said Skylar Cooper, CEO of BirdBand. “Plus, this makes it look like we’re actually doing something and at the same time helps us avoid spending actual money on upgrading towers and transmission facilities.”
Stock prices of all three companies was up on the news, as Cooper brushed aside concerns from critics over network capacity, extreme weather, reliability, scalability, speed and security.
“Look, at BirdBand Unlimited, we don’t just wing it — we soar above the noise. Critics might squawk about weather or security, but let me remind you: pigeons have been delivering messages since ancient Rome,” Cooper said. “Can your cell towers dodge lightning? Plus, who’s going to hack a bird?”
When reached for comment, a pair of eagles nesting at Lake Junaluska voiced support for the endeavor.
Haywood County loses entire first-grade class to the transfer portal
Haywood County Schools announced this week that its entire incoming class of first graders has entered the transfer portal, leaving kindergarten educators scratching their heads and wondering where it all went wrong.
“I could tell throughout the school year that some of the kids, especially the ones who impressed bigger schools during spring break workouts, were on their way out,” said kindergarten teacher Anna Gonzalez. “The fact of the matter is, things have changed since the NIL money started pouring in.”
Randy Moochausen beamed with pride as he spoke about his daughter, Rachel. Folks in youth basketball circles have marveled over the last year at Rachel’s ability as both a facilitator and a lockdown perimeter defender, calling her the kindergarten Kelsey Plum.
“As the women’s game continues to grow, I’m excited that Rachel will one day have the same opportunity as boys to make enough money to allow me to retire early,” Moochousen said. “That’s why I’ll be driving her two hours each way every day to Charlotte. That’s where all the second-grade recruiters are looking.”
While most of the kids appear to be heading to bigger cities where more eyes will be on them, that isn’t the case for everyone.
Parvus Johnson, father of Tommy Johnson — one of the top Pop Warner prospects in the state — said his son opted to go to Franklin, not because it’s a bigger media market, but because Coach Will Welichick offered him a starting quarterback spot on the Macon Mites. By all accounts, the Mites will have the top offensive line out of all ages 5-7 teams in the region, including a pair of 70-pound tackles who can “really put down a pass rush.”
“I ain’t gonna have my boy coming out and looking bad because them boys up front couldn’t protect him,” Johnson said. “The fact of the matter is, Coach Welichick promised things that Haywood County coaches simply couldn’t.”
Tommy Johnson declined to comment, instead hiding behind his father’s pantleg.
Munchie shortages plague Qualla Boundary
While the recent legalization of recreational cannabis by the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians has helped to diversify the gaming-reliant Cherokee economy and produced a small surge in tourism, it’s also led to a baffling, unexplainable crisis — the disappearance of tasty snacks and desserts in stores and shops.
What began as a trickle of regional tourists seeking legal weed on April 20 quickly snowballed into a full-blown cultural phenomenon, but as the Cherokee economy celebrated, grocery store shelves began to look increasingly barren. Chips, frozen pizzas and other stoner staples started disappearing faster than one could say “Hot Pocket.”
“I thought, well, that’s just tourists stocking up for a good time, man,” said Richard Marin, who owns a small convenience store near the dispensary. “But then I couldn’t keep chili-cheese Fritos on the shelf, for like two months.”
Shortages quickly spiraled out of control and by mid-December, major suppliers were struggling to keep up. Trucks loaded with pallets of Reese’s peanut butter cups and Breyer’s Ice Cream arrived only to be swarmed by hungry hordes of shoppers with bloodshot eyes.
Fast food joints weren’t spared either; Taco Bell prompted outrage when it had to implement a “three tacos per customer” limit after running out of tortillas for the third time in a week.
“It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen,” said William Hugh Nelson, manager of a popular local pizzeria. “We’ve had lines out the door, phones ringing off the hook and people offering insane tips just to get their hands on a pepperoni pie. One guy offered me $50 for a single breadstick.”
The shortage has sparked creativity among some residents. Homemade snack businesses have popped up, selling everything from artisanal trail mix to deep-fried Moon Pies at roadside stands. Still, the crisis has raised eyebrows among critics, who question whether the infrastructure was ready for the sudden influx of cannabis consumers.
Tribal government has promised to address the issue, but in the meantime, some locals are taking matters into their own hands. A Facebook group, “Snack Strong Cherokee,” has formed to help residents trade and barter for hard-to-find items.
“Hey, we just sell the weed,” said budtender Calvin Broadus, Jr. “What people do after that is not our business. But if anyone’s got a bag of Funyuns, I’ll trade you for an eighth.”
