In “Untangling You” (Major Street Publishing, 2022, 208 pages), Dr. Kerry Howells explores the role of gratitude in life and the oftentimes diminished importance of it. But it’s more than just a book about how to be more grateful.

Dr. Howells is the first person I’ve heard to talk about it in contrast with what she argues is its polar opposite: resentment. 

As I was reading this book, there was more resentment than I thought I had. It’s only human nature to tend to push those small things down, but it’s vital that we push them out instead. In order to do that, Dr. Howells says we need to consider resentment to be a ball of knots. It needs to be untangled and that requires giving yourself time, taking steps and being honest.

The first step she talks about is finding the “why” to your gratitude and identifying the resentment you have hiding in your heart. She emphasizes that the “why” cannot be to change another person because no deep, authentic gratitude will flow from that.

I found part of my “why” in a point she made in the first chapter. In life, the bad has a greater psychological impact on us than the good. However, gratitude — more than any other emotion — helps us see that good. When she said it like that, cultivating gratitude seemed to be the common-sense reaction to life. If it’s already a bit of an uphill battle to process negativity, why would I not level the ground with gratitude?

The next few chapters Dr. Howells explains sources of resentment and how it can get lodged inside of us. Most often it comes from broken expectations or from actions or words that give us a sense of inferiority. I appreciated the honest, humble approach Dr. Howells maintained throughout her whole book, but especially in this section. It was encouraging and helpful to have her acknowledge the frailty and sensitivity of humanity while also trying to inspire moving beyond that.

She gives a lot of practical advice and she is realistic about it. For example, she says not to start with the deepest hurt or resentment but to start with a minor one. She advises that acts of gratitude be done to a person only slightly out of your comfort zone. She sets you up for success but also stresses that a setback isn’t overall failure.

A powerful point came from a reference to one of my favorite books. Dr. Howells quotes Viktor Frankl in “Man’s Search for Meaning” when he writes about how we may be powerless to change our circumstances, but we can change how we react to them. Choosing an inner attitude of gratitude is a huge step in moving out of resentment and healing ourselves from hurt. This gratitude is for the people and good things in our lives, but also gratitude towards ourselves.

There may be some people reading this review who feel they ought to be more grateful, but I think there will be more people who have a knot of resentment in their heart they feel they can’t shake. If that’s the case, please do yourself a favor and read this book. Dr. Howells not only explains clearly the notions of gratitude and resentment, she also gives feasible advice and guidance on how to incorporate acts of gratitude in your daily life.

This book is realistic. Dr. Howells repeats several times that there may be times in life where the hurt that caused resentment is too recent. It may feel too impossible to respond with any sort of gratitude whatsoever. She acknowledges the frailty of human nature and the tendency to give up after one failure. However, she also talks of the enduring strength we are all capable of, and how with perseverance and patience, we can get through the pain of resentment.

Dr. Howells strikes a balance of humility and confidence. She is aware of human weakness but encourages us to rise above it. “Untangling You” is a good blend of the conceptual and the practical. Her tips for addressing resentment towards ourselves, resentment we may have towards others and resentment people have towards us are incredibly helpful and attainable. One of the most important messages in here is that the small, daily habits of gratitude you practice will bring greater changes than you ever would’ve expected.

(Anna Barren is a teacher and lifelong lover of books. annab4376@gmail.com.)