Fake News Freakout! Episode 7

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Fake News Freakout! Episode 7

Go back to Mesopotamia! Wikipedia photo

Lately I’ve been reading a book that came highly recommended and not a moment too soon, despite it being published in 2017 (I’m about 6 years behind on my reading, because reasons).

It’s called “The Death of Expertise,” written by never-Trump conservative Tom Nichols. While the title is pretty bold, the subtitle struck me as more profound: “The campaign against established knowledge.”

You see, when I started writing this year-end feature seven years ago, it was really a way to poke fun at the emerging fake news culture fostered by Liar-in-Chief, President Donald Trump.

It didn’t rain on Trump’s inauguration. Coronavirus is under control. Windmill noise causes cancer. Trump won.

Fake news, all of it.

In the moment, it just seemed like a random stream of “alternative facts,” as former presidential adviser Kellyanne Conway likes to say, but in reading Nichols’ book, it’s now clear to me that this is indeed a “campaign.”

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One needs only to look at the regular reporting in this fine publication (and others, although fewer and fewer each year) to see it — regular people, good people, hardworking people so filled with rage against whatever it is they’re raging against that they allow themselves to be fooled into believing, accepting and distributing fake news.

“The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command,” wrote George Orwell in “1984.” Well, that’s where we are today.

My tax bills are fake, so I won’t pay them. Somebody stole $6 million, because I want to believe it’s true. The government doesn’t have jurisdiction over me. Vaccines don’t work. It wasn’t an insurrection. Ghost Town will be open by February.

For those who continue to campaign against expertise, against the evidence of your eyes and ears, herewith presented for your perusal are this year’s fake news stories, which, unlike some of the utter delusions presented as fact on a local, state and national basis, are admittedly fake.

ICE report: millions of undocumented birds cross southern border every year

A shocking report from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) released today says that millions of undocumented pigeons regularly cross America’s undefended southern border with Mexico.

“It’s becoming a real problem,” said Kip Gnipslip, a spokesperson for the federal law enforcement agency charged with monitoring illegal immigration. “It’s tremendously discouraging to apprehend these birds and release them back into Mexico, only to recapture the same ones the very next day. Something has to be done.”

Disgraced former president and 2024 Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump immediately proposed building an 80-story, 1,951-mile border wall out of chicken wire from Pmurt Enterprises — definitely not a Trump-linked shell company but rather manufacturers of the very best, greatest chicken wire available.

Not to be outdone, Florida’s Republican governor and likely Trump primary opponent Ron DeSantis immediately began work on an 81-story, 8,436-mile wall encircling the entire state, starting in the center of the Flora-Bama Lounge, continuing all the way down south through the Keys, and then back up north to Jacksonville.

Last week, ICE officials in Texas reported the apprehension of another 36 million pigeons.

Texas Republican Gov. Greg Abbott said it was “good practice” for the annual Monarch butterfly migration in March, and subsequently bussed the feathered felons to Martha’s Vineyard, Vice President Kamala Harris’ residence and New York City’s Central Park.

At last report, some of the pigeons were seen flying toward Canada.

Innovative affordable housing development to accept limbs as collateral

Haywood County commissioners have green-lighted an affordable housing development just outside Waynesville that is expected to make a significant difference in the county’s acute shortage of inventory, especially of inventory affordable to people who are not remote workers for companies based in cities with a median income double that of most Western North Carolina communities.

The development, called Armorleg Estates, will feature endless rows of three-bed, two-bath townhouses with postage stamp backyards and a charming “factory-chic” aesthetic, available for only $499,999 apiece. Creative financing opportunities will ensure that these brand-new homes are accessible even to poor schmucks who are unable to cough up this paltry amount. Buyers can negotiate a price that subtracts the independently assessed value of their arm, leg or first-born child from the total cost.

“I am so grateful to the good folks at Tothecleaners Development for this life-changing opportunity,” said Marion Ross, a second-grade teacher at Clyde Elementary School who was one of the first to close on a home at Armorleg Estates. “While it will be somewhat challenging to keep up with 25 seven-year-olds one-legged, I’m so happy to finally have a home. Truly, it’s the best deal I could have imagined in this market.”

Following the announcement of the development, Haywood Regional Medical Center published a statement warning would-be buyers that, due to supply chain shortages and staffing challenges, prosthetic replacements for any limbs used as collateral could take upwards of a year to complete.

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Local public comment sessions totally helpful and not at all insane

The Haywood County Commission’s regular public comment sessions have, over the past few years, become the most enlightening couple of hours of each and every month, where citizen-experts regularly report back to commissioners on the completely legitimate and informative internet research they ceaselessly conduct.

This year alone, commissioners have learned about the presence of microchips in the covid vaccine, and that the vaccine doesn’t work anyway, and that the vaccine has already killed everyone who received it.

Commissioners also have garnered valuable information about the county’s taxpayer-funded mandatory needle exchange program, wherein every resident of Haywood County is required to possess hypodermic syringes on their person, at all times, under penalty of law.

Although not required by ordinance, citizens are encouraged to discard both clean and dirty syringes on playgrounds, in church parking lots and at the doorsteps of local businesses.

Commissioners have also been informed that Haywood County is the number one county in the entire world for ritual satanic mass slayings of children, with an astonishing 52,000 victims each year.

One particularly well-informed scholar, Beanie Crooks, recently delivered a presentation proving beyond all reasonable doubt that Haywood County is currently experiencing an unprecedented explosion in the local pigeon population.

“I simply can’t recall ever seeing so many of those birds around here,” Crooks said. “I see them everywhere I look. Under bridges. Hanging out in parks. Walking our streets. I demand that commissioners build an 82-story wall made of Pmurt Enterprises chicken wire around Haywood County, without borrowing money or raising taxes. We can afford this by cutting all state-mandated public services, like policing.”

Tribe in talks to buy SpaceX

The Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians’ next economic diversification project will be out of this world, as the tribally owned Kituwah LLC announces that negotiations are underway to purchase Elon Musk’s SpaceX.

Founded in 2002, SpaceX designs, manufactures and launches advanced spacecraft. Since the company’s founding, Musk has maintained that his ultimate goal is to colonize Mars.

However, at terms not yet disclosed to the public, Musk has indicated a willingness to sell.

“We’ve already bought so many companies here on Earth, space just seemed like the natural next step,” said Principal Chief Richard Sneed.

He noted the many high-paying job opportunities that the SpaceX venture would afford tribal members, and the likelihood of significant growth in the industry.

“Plus, enforcing banishments would suddenly become a lot easier,” Sneed said. “Once you’ve been deported to Mars, it’s pretty hard to sneak back onto the Qualla Boundary undetected.”

The impending deal has caused a great deal of excitement at Kituwah LLC headquarters, with many otherwise serious professionals spending their lunch hours giddily building model rockets and launch pads.

“Turns out, the timing for that fire couldn’t have been better,” said Kituwah LLC CEO Mark Hubble, referring to a Dec. 15 blaze that destroyed the company’s headquarters. “Once this deal goes through, we’ll need a bigger building, and I’ve got some ideas to show the architect.”

Hubble motioned the reporter to follow him into the break room, where a freshly painted, three-foot-tall wooden rocket sat proudly displayed on the table, mounted to a square of particle board. Bushes and a parking lot were depicted surrounding it.

“What do you think?” he asked, a boyish grin spreading across his face as he threw his arms wide. “I say we build it just like this. I mean, who wouldn’t want to work in an office at the top of a giant rocket?”

As of press time, Musk had not yet responded to Kituwah’s final offer, though a review shows he had tweeted 14 times in that time period.

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Undocumented migrating pigeons are taking messenger jobs meant for our domestic pigeons! Wikipedia photo

Supreme Court revokes another long-held constitutional right

Pointing out that it isn’t explicitly mentioned in the U.S. Constitution, the conservative majority on the United States Supreme Court has struck down a 50-year-old case that had allowed the English letter “T” to be utilized in written communications under certain circumstances.

Opponents of the ruling are concerned that the precedent could signify the start of a “slippery slope” and endanger the public’s right to use other letters, including “Q,” “Z” and the relatively worthless “X.”

On news of the ruling, Democrats in Congress rushed to codify the right to use the letter but were unsuccessful because inept party leadership hasn’t been able to capitalize on even one single conservative misstep since at least the 1970s.

Congressional Republicans derided the Democrats’ initiative; representatives Lauren Boebert (R-CO), Matt Gaetz (R-FL) and Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) issued a joint statement calling the Democrat effort “socialism” and further stating that none of them had ever even seen the controversial character before.

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Canton’s new town hall will offer drive-thru public comment

After devastating floods destroyed the Town of Canton’s municipal building in 2021, officials worked to find a suitable replacement where town administration could be housed and town business could be conducted. Thanks to a tremendous stroke of luck, a convenient downtown option was identified — a former bank operated by Champion Credit Union.

Extensive renovations on the building will be carried out; however, the decision was made to preserve the bank’s drive-thru lanes so that the board’s statutory public comment sessions will become even more accessible to those who wish to avail themselves of this sacred right.

Beginning next year, citizens will be able to pull into one of two drive-thru lanes and, utilizing the pneumatic tubes that once carried bank business back and forth, scream their concerns directly into the tube from the comfort of their vehicles. Architectural renderings of the new town hall shared with The Smoky Mountain News show that the tubes will be routed directly into the boardroom, as well as into Mayor Zeb Smathers’ office.

Constitutional Sheriffs Association pushes local LEOs to take control of airspace

A far-right fringe group that urges law enforcement officers to break the law by usurping powers that normally belong to the federal government or the judiciary has issued to its members new guidance that’s literally for the birds.

In the past, the Constitutional Sheriffs and Peace Officers Association has told its members, mostly active-duty law enforcement personnel, not to enforce any laws that they deem “unconstitutional,” especially firearms laws that are, well, constitutional.

The problem with that, obviously, is that it’s not up to local sheriffs to determine the constitutionality of the laws they’re sworn to uphold. Still, the CSPOA encourages lawlessness on the part of lawmen (and women) with false claims that the authority of a county sheriff supersedes even that of the president.

This ridiculous claim also serves as the basis for some among the CSPOA who call for the appropriation of all federal property — including parks, monuments and military bases — back into their respective counties.

Last week, the CSPOA ruffled some feathers by claiming that county sheriffs could assert control of the airspace above the county, from ground level up into outer space.

“It just makes sense,” said founder Richard Mack. “Especially what with all the problems we’ve been having at the southern border with uncontrolled pigeon migration — particularly the brown and black ones.”

In response, the Federal Aviation Administration said had some minor concerns about the county-by-county management of transcontinental air travel. When reached for comment by telephone yesterday, the United States Space Force laughed and hung up.

(Smoky Mountain News Outdoors Editor Holly Kays contributed to this fake news report, which is fake.)

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