Martha: A life silenced by domestic violence
Not all domestic violence victims escape. Some are too ashamed or fearful to leave. Some are bound by cultures or communities that do not fully respect women, where judgment and reputation outweigh survival. The age when victims simply endure is still with us. That was the case of a woman named Martha who died a few years ago in Western North Carolina.
Martha was a country girl who married in her late teens. Early in her marriage, she was repeatedly degraded by her husband, who told her she was stupid and ugly. His emotional abuse was confined to their private lives. In public, they were considered an upstanding couple, active in their church, where he appeared loving and respectful to Martha. As time passed, this quiet, shy young woman became increasingly withdrawn and introverted.
Martha held a factory job for more than 35 years. During that time, she was never allowed to drive herself to work. Her husband dropped her off early and picked her up after he finished his own shift at a different location, leaving her waiting outside in the weather. He constantly monitored her comings and goings, suspicious of imagined relationships with men at work. At times, he even stopped by her workplace to confront male coworkers he believed were flirting with her.
To visit her ailing mother or a friend, Martha had to sneak away under the guise of grocery shopping. Her time and money were not her own. She was not permitted to buy clothing or personal items without her husband’s approval, and often, purchases had to be returned.
Martha’s abuser owned a large collection of firearms and always carried a gun holstered under his jacket. He was known to brandish a handgun when agitated. His erratic behavior severed many relationships.
Because of secrecy and isolation, it is unclear when the physical abuse began, but it escalated considerably after Martha retired. With age, her husband grew increasingly angry, paranoid and emotionally unstable. Living in an unwelcoming home, Martha had little contact with the outside world other than occasional visits from a family friend and Sunday church services. She was often seen with bruises on her arms and legs, for which she made excuses. When her injuries were visible, such as black eyes, she stayed home until they faded. Her abuser often struck her on the vertebrae at the base of her neck, where bruises could be concealed beneath her clothing.
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Martha’s kitchen cook stove eventually fell into disrepair, but her husband refused to replace it. As a result, Martha couldn’t prepare meals, so a friend began providing meals, leaving food on the porch because visitors were not allowed inside. The friend would call from down the road to make sure Martha retrieved the food before animals got to it.
Her husband rationed water. Martha was only allowed to launder clothes every two weeks, and they rarely bathed. She was forbidden to mop the floors in order to save water. As they were too old to cut wood for the fireplace, the couple were cold much of the last winter in their home because Martha’s husband refused to use the oil furnace, claiming it was too costly.
Martha and her husband were married for more than 65 years. One day, when she was in her early eighties, the man flew into a rage and beat her in the head with a chunk of wood, fracturing her skull. Bleeding, Martha struggled to the phone and called for help. The police arrived, handcuffed her husband, and took him away. From that day forward, Martha suffered impaired cognitive function and daily seizures. She died two months later.
Martha was trapped. Whatever self-worth she once had was methodically stripped away, leaving her completely dominated by a +mentally ill man. This was the man she had loved and devoted her life to through marriage. She saw no other way. Domestic violence can be a secret known only to those intimately involved. Friends, family members and others may suspect abuse but remain uninvolved. Without intervention, tragedy can be inevitable.
Ending domestic violence is a cultural and moral duty. There is no excuse.
