Transitions are hard on a mom’s heart
I’m the mom to two boys, ages 14 and 11. Both of them are currently on the cusp of a big transition. My younger son, Case, is in fifth grade and will be starting middle school in the fall, while my older son, Brooks, is in eighth grade and will be entering high school.
With it already being March, they are beginning to visit their future schools and make decisions regarding class schedules and activities for the upcoming school year.
When Brooks entered middle school almost three years ago, I didn’t think much of it, other than being happy for him because I could tell he’d outgrown elementary school. But then as the next several years unfolded, I watched my little boy with his clear skin and high-pitched voice quite literally morph into a young man. When once my arm draped around his shoulder, it now drapes around his waist and for the mom of any boy, this repositioning of the arm tugs mightily at the heartstrings.
Knowing how much growth and change occurs in those seemingly short three years of middle school makes me want to slow down time for Case. He’s my baby, so when he follows in big brother’s footsteps and experiences his own massive growth spurt and dive into puberty, there will be no more high-octave voices chattering in the car or throughout our home.
Meanwhile, Brooks is ready to leave the junior high years and move on to high school. From watching their step siblings and friends’ kids, I know that the independence that comes along with the teenage years is going to speed up time exponentially. Once he is driving, working a part-time job, and heavily involved in academics and athletics, our days of relaxing and connecting will be minimal.
I remember reading a quote from writer Gretchen Rubin that said, “The days are long, but the years are short.” When Brooks and Case were babies and toddlers in constant need of my energy and attention, the days often dragged on and on as I worked hard to entertain and engage them. Now, I wish I could go back in time to fully remember what it was like to have them little.
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Being in a co-parenting situation, I’ve become accustomed to the boys being with their dad and not always under my roof. As any divorced parent will tell you, it’s not easy, but eventually it becomes the new normal and you adapt to make the best of the situation. I’ve learned it’s a must to focus on quality of time versus quantity because if I think too hard about the days I’m missing while they’re at their dad’s, I’ll drive myself crazy. Learning this has been a silver lining of joint custody. I never, ever take for granted the minutes, hours and days I have with my boys.
One time I read that moms often feel like we are the main character of our children’s life stories, but in reality, they are the main characters of their own stories. I often have to remind myself of this when they are making memories that don’t include me. As long as they’re happy and creating a joyful, memorable life story, I have to remove my selfish ego from the situation, as challenging as it may be.
Even though it’s hard to watch my boys make big life transitions, they are excited by them. Brooks is talking about AP courses and elective classes that would match up with his future goal of being an architect or environmental engineer. He loves visiting college campuses because he’s starting to envision himself as one of the students walking through a student center or sitting at a baseball game.
Similarly, Case came home from school this week chattering about a visit from the middle school band director. He’s now entertaining the thought of playing the saxophone or the trumpet. He’s asking his older siblings which teachers were their favorites and if he should take advanced PE or folk art. During basketball season as he watched Brooks play, he talked about how badly he wanted to make the middle school team.
No matter how much we sometimes want time to stand still, it keeps moving forward. The older and wiser I become, I learn more and more that each day is truly a gift that shouldn’t be squandered away worrying or stressing over things out of our control.
As my boys navigate these new beginnings, I can’t let my desire to keep them young block the path. Instead, I need to be a solid cornerstone of their support system and their biggest cheerleader. Most importantly, I need to remember no matter how tall they grow or how deeply they speak or how successful they become, I will always be their mom and for that, I am forever grateful.
(Susanna Shetley is a writer, editor and digital media specialist for The Smoky Mountain News, Smoky Mountain Living and Mountain South Media. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.)
