She conveyed these ideals and habits on likely thousands of young children as a lifelong kindergarten teacher and required nothing less in her grandchildren, including me and my five siblings. We were expected to be attentive and courteous when spoken to, to send written thank-you notes for Christmas and birthday presents received and to be clean, polite and orderly at meals when she visited regardless of any arguments we were having between us. Proper respect for elders and civility were a given, along with a generously happy “Good morning” to all at the start of each day.

As children we found these required actions onerous, burdensome and in vast contrast to the orchestrated mayhem of our daily lives with two middle-class working parents raising six offspring and half the neighborhood kids coming or going at any given time. In our house a meal with nobody crying or screaming at the end was considered a success. 

Looking backwards it’s easier to see that her requests were simply expecting common decency and just a touch of grace at each interaction with others. Over the five decades since, I’ve regularly discovered the value of these efforts in various settings and encounters of all sorts, from schools, sports, business, travel and marriage.

Our country’s leadership would do well to refresh themselves of these simple truths and practices. The acrid vitriol and bitter discourse coming out of our nation’s capital is demeaning and damaging to every aspect of our society and our increasingly disjointed country. We need a better starting point if we are to bridge the differences ripping us apart and to move forward and meet the challenges of the day as the “united” states.

To assist in starting this process and elevating the dialogue, I would like to offer the C.R.A.P. Model of Conduct, based mightily on the lessons distilled from dear Evelyn’s recipe for productive, worthy and dignified social interactions and discussions.

“C” is for courtesy. At the very least, one is expected to always be considerate of others and kind in any communications, written or verbal. This includes not interrupting, shouting cruel accusations, burping, farting, tweeting derogatory statements and lies or other juvenile behaviors. White House grade: F.

“R” is for respect. At the very least, one is expected to allow others an opportunity to present their viewpoints and opinions and their reasoning, as guaranteed by our Constitution, without fear of threats, belittlement, misrepresentation. This includes not engaging in personal attacks, public mockery, intentional “fake news” or groundless insults based on their values, appearance or personal preferences. White House grade: F.

“A” is for acceptance. This goes hand-in-hand with respect and acknowledges that we all come from different backgrounds, histories and life experience leading to different perceptions, needs and outlooks, and is a necessary aspect of any inclusive discussion or negotiation. This includes not tweeting out asinine statements, backhanded slams or disparaging remarks about other’s families, lifestyles or one’s “shithole” existence. White House grade: F.

“P” is for politeness. When everything else fails and there is no agreement in sight, one can always resort to basic politeness as a common denominator across all aspects of interaction with others and gently excuse themselves from the discussion for the moment. This includes not being belligerent, arrogant, bullying, demeaning or being a loud-mouthed ignoramus with all the answers for everyone regardless of their views. White House grade: F.

When I look at this report card, one thing becomes glaringly clear. Our president would never have graduated from my grandmother’s kindergarten.

John Beckman

Cullowhee