Fake news freakout! All of this really happened in 2017*
Last year it was still just a quaint, silly little term — fake news.
Sure, it’s been around forever, but like democracy it requires an active, educated, informed populace to discern what is realistic and what is not in this, the great marketplace of ideas.
Perhaps because of this, the term “fake news” has taken on a virulent new visage in the last year — our President, of all people, who is not shy about dubbing anyone with the dubious distinction.
And sometimes he’s right! However, most times he’s not, but many across this great nation of ours have taken this as a cue to call anything they disagree with “fake news.”
Let me tell you something, people — 99.9999999 percent of it isn’t fake, especially the shit that’s logical conjecture based on an overwhelming preponderance of credible and publicly accessible evidence.
Those who knowingly create fake news should be forever banished, and those who are unaware they create it should be told to find new careers. The freedom of and the integrity of the press is vital to this republic; without it, how would we ever know about Watergate, or Abu Ghraib, or the subterranean reptilian Marxist globalist illuminati overlords that secretly and nefariously control our world?
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We wouldn’t know, that’s how.
It’s hard, though, to tell what’s real and what’s not without delving deeply into the subject. Because that is hard and requires effort, I’m willing to relieve you of the obligation of active engagement by assuring you right upfront that the local, regional and national issues you’ve followed all year long, listed below, are not fake news and are in fact completely true* news stories.
Believe me, they’re tremendous. So, so very tremendous. Big league. And I will also tell you this — they’re amazing. The best. Everyone’s always saying how they’re so, so amazing and tremendous and the very best. That I can tell you.
True* News Stories (which are true*)
*true = fake
Solution found for nation’s 1,500 Confederate monuments
Bowing to pressure from people who say they’re a sign of hate but acknowledging the sentiment that they are a sign of heritage, civic leaders across the nation agreed that the country’s remaining 1,500 Confederate monuments should all be removed from their pedestals, melted down and recast into one giant monument. The monument would consist of more than 30,000 square feet of copper and stone and have a surface area five times that of the Statue of Liberty, making it among the world’s most massive statues. No site has yet been located for structure, which would be utterly unavoidable, visually, to anyone within a 30-mile radius or with an internet connection.
Simulated chlorine leak in Canton briefly improves smell
An N.C. Guard exercise held this past summer that simulated the release of deadly chlorine gas in Canton left many Cantonistas somehow feeling like the omnipresent smell of the town’s century-old paper mill had suddenly vanished. Town officials cautioned that the Guard exercise really only consisted of a few small smoke canisters and three paid “victims” lying on the ground, however, more than 5,000 people from West Asheville had already begun gentrifying the small Haywood County town before the announcement was made.
Media exposure goes to Town of Clyde’s head
Wisely capitalizing on not one but two small, non-flooding related news stories in Haywood County’s finer periodicals over the past year, officials from the Town of Clyde announced last week a comprehensive rebranding strategy meant to capitalize on the small burg’s sudden and unprecedented rise to stardom in an effort to revitalize and expand one of the county’s sleepiest quarters. Initial plans presented by an out-of-town, out-of-state, fly-by-night operation seemed to center on the slogan, “What happens in ClydeVegas stays in ClydeVegas.”
U.S. Court of Appeals sick of N.C.’s bullshit
In a rare, unsolicited, en banc opinion issued unanimously by the U.S. Fourth District Court of Appeals, justices ruled that the court was officially, finally and totally sick of North Carolina’s bullshit. “C’mon, y’all. Enough already. Cut this bullshit out. All of it. This year alone, we’ve had to redo your elections, redraw your electoral districts and even tell you which bathroom to use,” reads the opinion, titled “In Re: North Carolina’s Bullshit.” Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Robert Gregory said, “Seriously. You know we also have to hear cases from other states too, right? You’re hogging up all the jurisprudence.”
Homeless, starving man elated to find painted rock
The happenstance discovery of a whimsically painted rock earlier today by homeless drifter Colton Coldbert III gave the down-and-out hobo the much-needed moral boost he needed after weeks of sleeping in boxcars and suckling solely from the teats of strangers. “Imagine the effort that went into this,” said Coldbert, who supposed it cost nearly $18 to thusly emblazon the rock, found outside the Maggie Valley Chamber of Commerce. “Can you imagine what an amazing sandwich you could have bought with that kind of cash?” Coldbert, mid-way through his walk from the Raleigh Greyhound station to a shelter in Murphy, was noticeably moved by the small ray of sunlight the rock brought to his otherwise bleak existence. “Do you have a sandwich?” he said.
Haywood Republican Party begins kicking people in
After spending much of the year shepherding formal proceedings that would ultimately result in the expulsion of several members of the Haywood County Republican Party from both the HCGOP and NCGOP, Haywood’s local Republican organization — which has no website, little money, few recent campaign victories and doesn’t return calls for comment — has had to resort to kicking people in to the party in order to maintain viability. Area woman Lana De Groot said she didn’t even know about the HCGOP “until I got a letter the other day saying I was now a vice chair of some precinct.” Upon then receiving a summons to a closed-door meeting accompanied by strict non-disclosure stipulations, De Groot’s locally legendary sweet potato casserole was deemed “disloyal” and subsequently issued a no-trespass order.
Brunch Bill destroys entire town
As prophesized, the expansion of alcohol service in Canton has resulted in utter ruination for the traditional mountain milltown, which is now comprised solely of drug addicts, Satan-worshipping degenerates and homosexuals. Whereas calm once prevailed over the scrappy, respectable, blue-collar burg, now banditry and itinerant mobs of post-apocalyptic vagrants besiege morality at every turn. Wayfarers are urged to avoid Canton at all costs, especially during the hours of 10 a.m. through noon on Sundays, when roving packs of BMWs may be encountered searching for cheap champagne and a decent Hollandaise sauce.
Rastafarians set off smoke detectors during county commission invocation
Smearing off a thick, cottony cloak of spiritual oppression all their own, a group of local Rastafarians took advantage of a recent ruling by the U.S. Fourth District Court of Appeals to deliver an invocation before a recent meeting of the Haywood County Board of County Commissioners. The air still pungent with a skunky, citrusy smell of sacramental herbs, commissioners then tabled every agenda item they were supposed to address and went into closed session per NCGS 143-318.11(a) to trade “Caddyshack” quotes over Cool Ranch Doritos, Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream and maybe some hackey sack.
Lake Junaluska to be renamed
Amidst a comprehensive marketing campaign building on recent successes in brand management and name recognition meant to vault the vaunted community into the 21st century, Haywood County’s Lake Junaluska Conference and Retreat Center recently announced that it will soon change the moniker it’s donned for generations. “It just makes spellcheck easier,” read a statement from the Lake John Alaska Conference and Retreat Center. “And that’s what Apple, Google and Microsoft call us anyhow.” Following suit was local cultural institution Folkmoot, which was reportedly considering the names “Funk Melt,” “Foot Molt” and several other options not suitable for printing in a family newspaper such as this ducking one.
Everyone suddenly history buff
Memorizing dates and understanding complex geopolitical movements based on social, religious and economic trends isn’t for everyone. Like mathematics, the subject of history is tedious and unpopular among students of all ages, and especially so by fans of more popular classes like gym and recess. But all of a sudden, sources reported, everyone is actually an expert on the multifarious events and personalities that resulted in the secession of 13 states from the Union more than 156 years ago. With such logic and understanding now commonplace, it’s likely there will be no controversy in the coming year regarding Confederate monuments, Confederate flags or Confederates.
Everyone suddenly Constitutional scholar
Digging through case law and determining the intent of the ancient Greeks as envisioned through the eyes of the rich, white male slaveowners who wrote the U.S. Constitution isn’t for everyone. Like history, the subject of the Constitution is tedious and unpopular among students of all ages, and especially so by fans of more popular classes like lunch and bowling. But all of a sudden, sources reported, everyone is actually an expert on the principals and principles that resulted in the drafting of the U.S. Constitution — and Bill of Rights — more than 230 years ago. With such logic and understanding now commonplace, it’s likely there will be no controversy in the coming year regarding states rights, the municipal regulation of speech or the role of public prayer in government meetings.
‘Haywood Five’ ink record deal
Rambunctious regional sensation The Haywood Five earned a lot of airtime this summer when a promotional campaign initiated by the Haywood County Republican Party launched the group into local prominence. After their act went statewide, representatives of the rebellious quintet announced the group’s signing by a major record label and plans for a forthcoming album. The group’s expected November release, Ain’t Nothing But a Party, will feature already well-known tracks like the huge club hit “G.O.P. (u ain’t me)” feat. MC Monroe Miller, “Elephant Man” feat. Jeremy “The Little General” Davis, and “Kings and Carrs are not my Tsars,” written and performed by DJ Yeager-meister. When reached for comment, the HCGOP had no comment about the H5, which has been banned from performing together within the state of North Carolina for the next half-decade.
Everything still just fine in Bethel
Residents of the rural Bethel community were assured this past week that everything was, in fact, still just fine, as it had been in the past and was likely to be for the foreseeable future. It was, for the two-hundredsomethingth year in a row, widely reported that nothing of note had transpired in the previous year, including but not limited to changes in the existing community institutions and/or social order.
Ancient prophet shares meaning of life
A 1,400-year old enchanted guru discovered living on the otherwise restricted slopes of Waynesville’s Allens Creek Reservoir says he’s discovered the meaning of life, and how all individuals and societies can achieve mutually beneficial and everlasting harmony. “It’s simple, really, you just have to
