Don’t fall for that 5-planet crap
It’s been awhile since The Naturalist’s Corner’s chief investigative journalist, Kuteeng Satire, has been called upon to help us clarify any natural history phenomenon that might be accessible to most of our fellow travelers here on Spaceship Earth.
But this notion that five — count ‘em 5, planets could all be lining up in our sky at the same time, not only lining up but visible to the naked eye —seemed to cry out for further sleuthing.
In case no one has heard, this is an election year here in the good ole US of A and who could be better qualified to inform us about this breaking story than those who want us to elect them to lead our nation? So we sent Kuteeng Satire to interview three of the leading Republican Primary candidates to see if they thought this story had any merit and what it might mean.
K.S. – Mr. Trump, have you heard that many scientists insist that five planets — Mercury, Venus, Saturn, Mars and Jupiter — will be visible from Earth in the pre-dawn sky until sometime in late February?
D.T. – Hey Kut, how ya doing? What kinda name is that, Kuteeng? Just wondering, ya know – doesn’t sound too American. Now Donald, that’s an American name, right? That’s a great name, right? We need names like Donald to make America great again. This idea that planets are just somehow gonna line themselves up without anybody directing the show — like there’s some kinda force out there that I can’t control — well, lemme tell ya that’s just some BS started by those commie Chinese in order to make us non-competitive when it comes to space and other complicated stuff like that. Stuff that only someone as smart as me could see through and build a big wall around. Nope, no way, ain’t no planets gonna line up without The Donald says so.
K.S. – Mr. Cruz, do you think there is any validity to the claim made by a majority of American scientist that five planets will all be viewable by the naked eye for the next few weeks?
T.C. – I think that you have touched on an alarming perception in modern-day America; the idea that science and/or scientists have any real notion of how our universe works is, well, blasphemy. The only person that knows when and if planets will line up is God. In fact, if planets do line up, it will be because God lined them up – kinda like the way He’s lining voters up behind me as we speak. But I have it on authority, and trust me, I have a personal pipeline, that there is no alignment of planets scheduled. In fact, I have a bill before Congress asking that satellites be deployed above earth so we can monitor this planet 24/7 and show that things like moon landings, global warming and planetary alignment are just scare tactics initiated by people who refuse to admit that I am the only one clearly ordained by God to lead this country in the direction of His manly directives.
K.S. – Dr. Carson, uh, Dr. Carson, over here.
B.C. – Are you the devil?
K.S. – What?
B.C. – You’re the adversary aren’t you? You’re the one who encouraged Darwin to come up with all that evolution mumbo-jumbo aren’t you?
K.S. – Uh, I’m a reporter
B.C. – Sure you are. Just so you know, I have five black-belts, four of which I earned at West Point before I had to go undercover and pretend to be a brain surgeon. Now back off before you wind up being buried in a pyramid full of grain.
Well, K.S. called in and said he would be taking a little R&R but if you want to see what all the hubbub is about take a look at the predawn sky for the next few weeks where you can watch the celestial dance. For more info visit http://earthsky.org/science-wire/when-will-all-five-visible-planets-appear-simultaneously.