Disappointing Comic Book Movie Adaptations

There was a time when I longed in my little adolescent heart for the day that I would see my favorite comic book characters zooming around being all heroic on the big screen. Over the years that wide-eyed anticipation has transformed into a sense of all-consuming dread whenever I hear rumblings of the next Hollywood cash-in on such a special piece of American pop culture. Ghost Rider? What? I mean, it’s fine if Nicolas Cage always wanted to play the character (I seem to remember Ben Affleck saying the same about Daredevil, and look how that stinker turned out) but that doesn’t necessarily mean he should, now does it? Whereas Willem DaFoe may have chewed the scenery in the first (and quite good) Spider-Man movie, Mr. Cage effectively pooped on it through the duration of the rambling mess that was Ghost Rider. Some people like to get drunk and go to the movies, but this one made me want to start drinking after the first scene, and continue through the end and beyond.

Assuming that the Temperature Will Be Appropriate to the Current Season

This time last year (almost to the day) I wrote about getting a sunburn over the Easter holiday, little baby birds chirping and colorful petals blooming. I had visions of Mexican beer and cookouts, Hooray, spring was upon us! This Easter weekend it just happened to snow, and it’s gotten down into the 20’s at night for most of the last week. We’re cranking the heat in the apartment. It’s April for Pete’s sake! Why am I contemplating the purchase of more long underwear, and dreaming of the day my toes get to wiggle unencumbered in sandals? The piggies want the sandals, dammit.

“Global warming” my sweet patootie — there’s nothing warm about it!

The Smoothie Debacle

I just wanted a smoothie. One would assume (damn that word) that if an establishment advertises the ability to make such a thing, then it wouldn’t be too difficult to get one’s hands on said smoothie — correct? Not so fast, buddy. I won’t name names, but a certain Main Street Sylva business dashed my hopes of acquiring such a drink just the other day. Now, maybe I set the bar too high; at home we had recently purchased a new blender, so my personal smoothie chops have pretty much gone through the roof. Some banana, a little strawberry, some peanut butter, ice and soymilk, hit the “pulse” button a few times and voila! Smoothie. But at this place, there is no fruit: only pseudo-fruit flavored hyper concentrated goo. There’s peanut butter (thank god) but no soymilk. There’s a blender, but it doesn’t... blend. Or grate. Or even chop. The poor lady tried not once, but twice — to no avail. Was it the blender? Was it a lack of conscientious study of the smoothie construction handbook? Am I getting sick of typing the word “smoothie” again and again? Yes to all the above. C’est la vie — it just wasn’t meant to be.

— By Chris Cooper