As I age and evolve, I realize more and more why it’s so important to be fully authentic, not only because it feels lighter but because it allows us to develop deep and true relationships, which ultimately is the most beautiful part of being human.
Reflecting upon the stages of my life, I can recall periods where I’ve lost my way and disconnected from my true self. Why does this happen to so many of us?
Often, parents have their own ideas about the type of child they want to raise or a certain vision for their sons and daughters, which affects the way they parent. For many people, negative or positive situations in their own upbringing guide how they raise their own kids.
As an only child of a mother with mental health conditions and a father who worked long hours in a mill, my mom was sheltered as a child. Her parents were afraid to let her do things like play sports or go to dances or sleepovers. They finally allowed her to go to a roller skating rink one time and she broke her arm. Instead of viewing this as a common occurrence for a kid who’d never roller skated, they saw it as evidence that the world was dangerous. She spent a lot of time alone at her house perfecting skills like sewing and cooking. A talented seamstress and avid reader and writer, she was a creative who had minimal ways to release her imagination. She also loved Hollywood and used to tell stories of when her dad would take her to the cinema on Saturdays. When she was a teenager, she got a rare opportunity to lip sync on a local TV station. This experience gave her a taste of the spotlight which she loved. All of this shaped the way she chose to parent my sister and me.
When she became a mother, she wanted us to have the opportunities she missed out on. With us being little girls, she assumed we’d both love dance lessons, baton classes, musical theater and beauty pageants. My sister was more of a girly-girl than I was and since she was older and already engrained in all these activities when I came along, my mom enrolled me in the same classes and lessons. I went along with it but always felt displaced, like I’d rather be running through the woods exploring or going to art camp. To this day, I hate wearing makeup and would rather be hiking or paddling on a lake than at a nail salon.
It was around middle school where I started to think, “Wait a minute. I have a choice here — I don’t enjoy all of this performative stuff.” It was hard to tell my mom that I wanted to quit everything because she loved dressing up her little “dolls” and watching us perform. When I look back on all of that, I realize my mom was simply doing her best and trying to give us the childhood she never had but always wanted.
During adolescence, I found the courage to advocate for myself. I quit dance lessons and pageants and joined more school sports and clubs. I was fully leaning into my true identity and those four years felt incredible and easy. Then I went to college and again, tried to fit into the “college girl” mold and became off-kilter again. I joined a sorority, even though I wasn’t really the sorority type. Additionally, my major wasn’t exactly what I wanted to do, but I kept going anyway. College was a good experience overall, but socially and academically, I wasn’t aligned with my true self.
When I became a mom, I vowed to be a student of my children and allow them to be who they truly are instead of trying to make them become something I’d fabricated from societal pressure or whatever influences inadvertently infiltrate our subconscious when it comes to parenting. My boys are similar in some ways but very different in other ways. They have different personalities and different interests, and I’ve worked hard to nurture each in his own way.
All of this brings me to wonder, why do we conform in the first place? On the surface, conforming seems like it would be easier or safer, and as humans, our core evolutionary goal is to keep ourselves safe. Being unique and authentic is messy and daring. It puts us at risk to be disliked or ostracized. In the end, however, it’s worth it.
When we are authentic, we have stronger relationships, we’re better leaders, our self-confidence improves, we’re more at peace, others trust us more, our mental and physical health is stronger. I was recently reminded of the quote by Howard Thurman that says, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
This single quote conveys the sentiment of this column. If we could stop worrying about fitting in, pleasing others or blindly following the standard quo, and instead, focus on what makes us come alive, so much could shift within our own souls and the world collectively.
(Susanna Shetley is a writer, editor and digital media specialist. susanna.b@smokymountainnews.com.)