Fake News Freakout! 10th Anniversary Special
Western North Carolina entered 2025 with a familiar sense of dread, confusion and misplaced confidence as local governments, public agencies and assorted boards once again demonstrated an unwavering commitment to solving problems that do not exist while inventing several new ones along the way.
From Jackson County’s continued Quixotic campaign against its own public library to the Department of Transportation’s discovery that some Haywood County roads remain dangerously intact, the year has already produced a wealth of developments that demanded immediate, serious attention — or at least, a healthy dose of mockery.
As ever, the stories in this year’s Fake News Freakout were reported using only the highest journalistic standards available to satire, including multiple dubious sources, selective context, errors of omission and an unwavering refusal to explain the joke.
What follows is a curated snapshot of a region grappling with governance, infrastructure, public morality and the unregulated transfer of knowledge — a yearlong reminder that the line between news and parody is not only thin, but frequently unmarked.
News Editor Kyle Perrotti and Staff Writer Lily Levin contributed to this year’s Fake News Freakout, which is fake.
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Shocking DOT report finds some Haywood roads still not under construction
A startling internal review released by the North Carolina Department of Transportation earlier this week confirmed that a small but unacceptable number of roads in Haywood County remain free of cones, barrels and torn-up pavement.
In response, NCDOT issued a statement acknowledging the oversight and promising to do better.
Department of Transportation officials are working hard to ensure shareholder value for the state’s orange barrel manufacturing conglomerate. chatGPT photo
“We regret that motorists can still occasionally travel uninterrupted for more than 300 yards,” an NCDOT Division 41 spokesperson said, adding that additional disruptions are already being scheduled.
Current projects include the Waterville bridges on Interstate 40, two bridges at Cove Creek, two additional bridges in eastern Haywood County, several U.S. 74 bridges and I-40 bridge work at Beaverdam, Champion Drive, Incinerator Road and Thickety, as well as bridges at Sonoma and Max Thompson Road, with one bridge in the Shining Rock Wilderness and another near the Blue Ridge Parkway also under destruction.
Surface projects remain active on Russ Avenue, the Maggie Valley roundabout and Jonathan Creek Road, with officials noting that lanes will continue to shift “until morale improves.”
The department said it is also coordinating closely with the orange construction barrel industry, which has reportedly enjoyed record profits supplying the state. Industry observers say “Big Barrel” has now become one of North Carolina’s most powerful special interests.
Looking ahead, NCDOT confirmed plans to tear up even more roads in 2026 to ensure no resident feels convenienced or gruntled.
“We understand the frustration, but rest assured, if you can still recognize your daily commute, we are working to fix that,” the spokesperson said.
Resignation letters submitted by entire board of Swain County commissioners
Following in the footsteps of a slew of Swain County employees, every commissioner has posted a letter of resignation, effective by the end of January.
“We thought we’d do it as soon as possible, so as not to keep the public in the dark. It’s all about our focus on transparency,” said chairman James Costco.
[We don’t remember which commissioners said everything else — the audio from live videos can be patchy and sometimes it’s hard to differentiate among various white middle-aged and older men. So, when we use “he,” assume we’re referring to particular individuals.]
One commissioner called the move an act of “mutually assured destruction.”
“And I killed two birds with one stone,” he said with a wink.
While some on the board have been previously labelled as “RINO” [Republican In Name Only] he alleged they all share a new category, CINO (“commissioner” takes the place of “Republican.”)
There will be no responsibilities or actions before the board’s effective date of resignation.
Another commissioner said even though he’s happy to be leaving, he’s been disappointed with the low morale among fellow county officials.
“We just sit and stare at the floor for a whole hour during meetings. No orders of business. I mean, I never thought I’d say this, but I almost miss the infighting and watching security evict disruptive members of the audience,” he said.
When asked what happens next, he made a show of exiting the room. Of the remaining four commissioners, only one had an answer.
“Listen, I’ve instructed my entire church to pray for Swain County government,” he said.
Feds greenlight Trump’s Cataloochee Valley resort
The Great Smoky Mountains National Park is about to become even greater, according President Donald Trump.
During a White House press briefing last Thursday, the President took a few questions, including one from Rick Stone, an OANN correspondent who asked just why it is that the resort will be the best thing to happen to Appalachia probably ever.
An artist’s rendering of Trump Tower Cataloochee, which upon completion will signify that America is finally great again. chatGPT photo
“Everyone agrees that Trump Tower is the best building in the once great city of New York and Mar-a-Lago is the envy of the world, so why not bring something big and beautiful to the people of Western North Carolina, who everyone knows loves Trump and MAGA,” Trump said. “Someone told me that thousands used to live in that valley, and we’re going to bring it back bigger and better than ever. A lot of people are saying it’ll be the biggest, best thing to happen to North Carolina, and frankly a lot of people are saying that Biden could never pull this off.”
The news broke late last week that President Trump has, by executive order, greenlighted the construction of the resort. While few details are available at this point, the property will feature an 18-hole golf course.
Permitting for the project has been expedited as federal employees who regulate anything that may hold up Trump’s plans were deemed nonessential by DOGE earlier this year.
Trump told reporters during the press briefing that the aesthetic will be his trademark gold and marble.
“This is what the original settlers of this great area would have wanted to see,” he said.
Trump characteristically ad-libbed while talking to reporters, hinting at just how extensive the project may be.
“Folks, we may even build a new Trump Tower here — a big, beautiful Trump Tower,” he said. “I love the Bible, probably more than anyone else, so here’s something for you. Some people are saying Trump Tower Cataloochee could be even bigger, even better than the Tower of Babel, which we all know was a big hit.”
Animal services ordinance adds firearm exception
After Swain County commission’s Dec. 16 failure to advance a proposed animal services ordinance, its committee has added a new clause sure to guarantee its passage.
“Don’t worry,” assured a committee member at a second public hearing. “Animal services officers still can’t carry lethal weapons. But there is one exception that permits them to use a firearm.”
The member then explained that ASOs may shoot if and only if a deputy voluntarily offers their gun.
“Every time a weapon is discharged by a member of law enforcement, it must be reported to state officials,” added Swain Sheriff’s Office spokesperson Tays Hurr.
“That measure, just like our investment in a fleet of Axon body cameras, adds extra transparency to the process,” he added.
According to ASO Gordon Setter, there’s an extra layer of positive pressure with the temporary loan of a law enforcement firearm — which he hopes will help his shot.
“It’s like when a friend lets you take their Mercedes for a joyride. Are you going to be reckless, crashing into a few unlucky pedestrians? Of course not. You’ll be a careful, law-abiding driver.”
Setter did admit that he’ll need to head to the range if LEO guns become a standard part of operating procedures.
“I’m a little rusty,” he said.
Canton monorail nearly complete
After months of cautious optimism, Canton residents are finally getting excited about the imminent completion of a major project.
The project came about in unusual fashion earlier this year after a public hearing was convened at the town courthouse, during which citizens offered ideas on how to spend what the mayor called an unexpected $2 million windfall.
Monorail projects have put towns like Brockway, Ogdenville and North Haverbrook on the map, supporters say. File photo
The mayor was immediately corrected by a pointy-haired girl in the audience, who insisted it was actually $3 million.
With that settled, one woman said she thought the money could be used to put out the town’s longstanding mulch fire, but a husky gentleman in the audience stood up and described her idea as “boring.”
Another man, who gave his name only as “Mr. Snrub,” suggested the money be invested in the local nuclear plant. A man sitting near Snrub said he agreed with Snrub, but the audience was not as receptive.
A local shopkeeper asked for more police protection before being dismissed as a “crybaby.”
Another woman said the money should be used to pave Main Street, and was supported by an elderly man who said the town should “put all [its] eggs in one basket.”
His comments were met with riotous applause and the issue seemed to be settled, but as a motion was made for project approval, the final speaker of the public comment session remarked that a town with money was akin to a mule with a spinning wheel because it wasn’t fully clear how the mule came to acquire the spinning wheel and wasn’t certain as to whether the mule possessed the knowledge and/or skill to utilize the spinning wheel in a safe, efficient and productive manner.
The man, later identified by The Smoky Mountain News as Lyle Lanley, said he had an idea, but appeared to second-guess himself as he opined aloud that maybe the project would be a better fit for neighboring Candler. After assurances from the mayor that the residents of Canton were twice as smart as those of Candler and that Canton would most assuredly vote for the project once they knew what it was, Lanley revealed a large-scale mockup of the town, accurate in nearly way — but for one bold, visionary addition.
Lanley explained that he’d previously sold monorails to Brockway, North Haverbrook and Ogdenville and that the projects had put those respective towns “on the map,” because there’s nothing on earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified six-car monorail.
Questions about the monorail quickly arose from the crowd, one of whom asked if they were loud. Lanley compared their silence to that of a cloud.
Calling another man “friend,” Lanley assured him the track would not bend.
A brain-dead slob asked what was in it for the town’s brain-dead slobs; Lanley said they’d be given cushy jobs.
Pointedly, a final speaker asked Lanley if he was sent by the devil, but Lanley insisted he was on the level.
Lanley said it was Canton’s “only choice,” so the crowd threw up their hands and with one big voice, sang “Monorail, monorail, MONORAIL!”
In related news, Haywood Community College just graduated its first class of monorail conductors, all of whom passed the MCAT (Monorail Conductors Aptitude Test).
Editor’s note: after fielding substantial community concerns, The Smoky Mountain News has confirmed with healthcare professionals that you cannot get mono from the monorail.
EBCI now bussing tourists to dispensary, casino
Due to recent developments, Eastern Band of Cherokee businesses have taken to creative measures to encourage new and existing patrons.
The “Qualla Bus Line” is a new bus service with four routes: West, from Nashville, Tennessee, with stops in Cookeville, Crossville, Knoxville and Gatlinburg; East, from Raleigh, with stops in Greensboro, Winston-Salem, Charlotte and Asheville; North, from Charlottesville, Virginia, with stops in Roanoke, Blacksburg, Johnson City and Asheville; and South, from Columbus, Georgia, with stops in Atlanta, Athens, Cornelia and Dillard.
The Qualla bus line will offer four routes. Google Gemini photo
All QBL routes will depart from these locations 5 a.m. Saturday morning, arriving at the Qualla Boundary by early afternoon. Passengers will shop at the dispensary until 4 or 5 p.m., receiving a private tour and information session. They’ll then take the bus from the dispensary to the casino.
All must be seated on the bus by 1:30 a.m. when it exits the casino. Those departing from the initial site can expect to be dropped off no later than 11 a.m., and from other stops even earlier.
Tickets are priced at $25, $20 or $15 depending on location, and require a $100 minimum deposit to spend at the dispensary or casino for a budget-friendly visit. While the commute might take up to eighteen total hours from the starting destination, the bus is equipped with seatback TV screens that offer a variety of options.
An EBCI spokesperson stressed that the QBL will not be used as a cheap form of public transportation for anyone wanting to get from, say, Raleigh to Charlotte.
“The tickets require a guaranteed deposit. Though we’re happy to take you if you simply want to use the bus for a $125 leisure ride across the state of North Carolina,” she said.
To register, guests must provide first and last name, date of birth (21+ only), chosen bus line, pickup point, T-shirt size (S, M, L, XL) and sign a statement indicating permanent and unequivocal agreement that federal tribal recognition can only be achieved through a rigorous and evidence-based process.
WCU adds education marketing degree
Swayed by public demand, Western Carolina University has added another undergraduate major to its list of options, effective Fall 2026. Educators say the new Bachelor of Arts in education marketing is sorely needed in recent times given what’s happened in the area.
Students will take roughly one-third of classes through the School of Teaching and Learning and the rest through the College of Business, immersing themselves in the details of both grade-level and higher education while developing a foundation in public relations.
In an economy increasingly more hostile to recent college graduates, the education marketing program offers a solid opportunity for real-world employment. Already, school administrators are adding new positions for the first class of graduating students.
“I graduated Summa Cum Laude from Western Carolina. I had ten extracurriculars, published a chapter in a research journal and was on the short list for the Nobel Peace Prize. But I chose to major in anthropology, so I’m working double shifts at Five Guys,” said Flippa Berger, Class of 2023.
“If I could do it all again, I’d pick something like education marketing that combines skills from two different disciplines,” Berger said, before adding, “and one that gets me a job paying more than $14 per hour.”
The Smoky Mountain News wanted to know why an employer would hire someone with an education marketing degree, so we talked to school administrators about the motivation to create new positions.
Everett Eyes, chief executive officer of Haywood public schools, said it’s all about “competition.”
“We’ve lost too many students to homeschool and charter academies, and I blame it on our PR. We’ve got no TikTok presence, so we’re not relatable to students. Our website is due for a massive upgrade. Most importantly, we need to get into the business of selling our school to parents,” Eyes said.
That might necessitate partnering with agencies to add perks for enrolled students.
“Like, if you go to Tuscola High School, you get 50% off at Ingles and a free Great Clips haircut,” he explained, adding that a hire with an education marketing background would need to facilitate this bargain.
“And if you’re a parent of a student at Tuscola High School, you’re shipped a monthly basket of your choice of beverage,” the CEO said. “Gatorade is one option, but so is Smirnoff.”
Maggie man stuck in roundabout
A Maggie Valley man had his vehicle towed after it ran out of gas in the new traffic circle connecting the town to neighboring Jonathan Creek.
Brent George, 61, could be heard shouting over the cacophony of car horns Tuesday night, expressing anxiety over his lack of ability to exit the traffic circle.
“What the carpetbagging hell is this?” witnesses recalled him shouting from his 1996 Ford Ranger that was decked out in Nascar bumper stickers, perhaps explaining his commitment to going around in circles for over two hours.
Admittedly, the roundabout has caused some confusion with drivers as construction has progressed and every week seemed to bring a new traffic pattern. For George, Tuesday’s shift was one too many. He entered the traffic circle, and unable to figure out how to exit, continued to drive around until the truck puttered to a stop.
Other drivers tried to help George, some exiting their vehicles, shouting and gesticulating in hopes of instructing him how to make a right turn.
Police, who opted not stop George as he made hundreds of laps around the circle, marveled at the spectacle.
“We consider this a teaching moment,” the patrol sergeant on scene said.
George expressed gratitude to officers and also wanted to raise awareness about the perils of traffic circles, which he called “suspiciously European.”
“Not everyone knows how to do everything,” George, wrapped in a blanket and clutching hot cocoa, told reporters who arrived on-scene just after the truck was towed.
An NCDOT spokesperson told The Smoky Mountain News that the department is working up a plan to air-drop leaflets over Haywood County containing instructions for using traffic circles, claiming that the social media campaign has clearly failed.
Either way, George said he will avoid roundabouts going forward.
“Next time I need to go to Waynesville from Maggie Valley, I’m going through Cherokee,” he said.
Helipads coming to WNC courthouses
The seven westernmost counties will soon be outfitted with helipads and accompanying choppers at their courthouses to provide judges with reliable transportation so they can better serve the judicial district.
Critics decry the use of tens of millions of taxpayer dollars, saying that simply splitting the judicial district would alleviate the stress on judges, who often have to drive from Waynesville to Murphy several times per week for district court sessions. However, citing unspecified political pressures, the chair of the state house judiciary committee declined to let the bill see the light of day.
The operational expense for the plan should range in the low seven figures per year, but that’s a small price to pay, legislators in Raleigh said, for improving the justice system while also ensuring the comfort of everyone who works therein.
Dozens of attorneys in the area griped about the size of the district and the effect it has on judicial efficiency, but none would go on the record, saying they wanted to preserve their relationships with prosecutors, judges and golf buddies. One prominent defense attorney said he was mortified at the prospect of crossing a fellow attorney politically and then drawing their name for the Western North Carolina Bar’s white elephant gift exchange.
“Imagine how awkward the cocktail parties would be,” he said. “I was the best man at a judge’s wedding, and a prosecutor is godfather to my son. I’m not trying to rock the boat here.”
Jackson County votes to withdraw from Little Free Library
Commissioners in Jackson County voted to withdraw from the eight-decade-old Fontana Regional Library partnership earlier this year — citing concerns over cost, obscenity and local control — but their latest move shows their attack on the First Amendment is far from complete.
On Dec. 25, commissioners voted 4-1 to withdraw from the Little Free Library, the near-ubiquitous (that means “plentiful,” if you’re a Jackson County commissioner reading this) hand-made structures designed to allow people access to reading materials outside a library setting — often at public parks and playgrounds, alongside trails, in church parking lots or even on the lawns of private homes. The LFLs are stocked with books, magazines and pamphlets by community members who are free to take what they like.
Critics say all these things do is attract the wrong sort of folk anyhow. File photo
Commissioners cited the unregulated transfer of knowledge as one of the main reasons for the vote, however this latest withdrawal also addresses cost, obscenity and local control, as with the FRL withdrawal.
“This started out with books we didn’t like,” one commissioner explained, “but then we realized the real problem was books we didn’t authorize.”
Although it’s not clear how, budgeting figures show the county should be in line to save at least $17.50 per shuttered LFL, in perpetuity.
The board concluded by reminding residents that while Jackson County residents remain free to read whatever they like and think whatever they like, they should do so only within tightly-controlled government-owned structures that feature only government-approved rightthink.
The Little Free Libraries did not respond to multiple requests for comment by The Smoky Mountain News because they are inanimate wooden objects.
Community calls for end to Rotarian-on-Rotarian violence (read more)
