Hidden in plain sight: Recognizing grooming and protecting our children
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. REACH advocates routinely work with victims and survivors of all forms of sexual assault and abuse. After 38 years in this work, I can say, without reservation, that sexual assault, particularly child sexual assault, is our most underreported crime. It devastates victims in innumerable ways and leads to many other forms of both victimization and perpetration.
When a perpetrator looks for a (potential) victim, gaining and maintaining access is their chief goal.
Abusers never start their abuse right away. They groom victims using a variety of tactics. How do we recognize this hidden conduct, and how do we help?
Sadly, those who choose to abuse (yes, it is a CHOICE) come from all walks of life. They can be anyone from a family member (including a sibling) to a neighbor, family friend, highly regarded community member, pastor, teacher, coach or another trusted person. Sexual abuse is committed most often by someone the victim knows.
What do sexual predators look like? They look and act like everyone. There’s no “type,” as is often portrayed in movies. Predators often have dual personalities. This is part of what makes it so difficult for victims and those who care for them. How can it be that Mr. Nice Guy is also capable of sexually abusing a child or a teenager?
What do predators look for in a potential victim? First and foremost, they want access. They look for children and/or teens who are vulnerable, who feel isolated and alone. Abusers use that isolation to their advantage by focusing positive attention on them, by filling in the lonely and frightening gaps in their lives with lots of encouraging attention, affection and gifts. They look to establish a “special relationship” with the victim, to make the connection between them seem indispensable. They want the victim to feel unique and special.
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Then, once the special relationship is established, the boundaries are tested. It begins with “game-playing,” but this is no game. It is an act of predation. The abuser might want to see if the victim will “keep a secret” between just the two of them. The victim wants to please this person who has been paying such close attention to them; children are taught to please adults in ways that can be a setup for abuse.
Little girls are often taught to “be nice” to their adult family member or friend, to sit on his lap and “be sweet.” This is a terrible requirement to put on girls, as it creates an expectation in the child that she is supposed to please the adult. It’s a dynamic that leads to a (potential) lifetime of abuse.
Little boys, like little girls, are often taught to look up to adults in their lives or in the community. Adolescence is always a difficult and confusing time for kids, and they may or may not have anyone they feel they can be open with. Many predators know this and take full advantage of it. Once they’ve established that predator/prey relationship, the downward spiral for the victim has begun.
What do we look for with a victim of sexual predation? Anxiety, withdrawal, mood swings (which are common in adolescents to begin with), depression (which can present in different ways in girls and boys) and being defensive of the person who is abusing them. It can also include running away, having problems at school, early sexualization in both boys and girls and a complete lack of trust in anyone. In other words, child and teenage sexual abuse is devastating, traumatic and can create life-long negative consequences.
This is why we feel it’s so important for victims and those who care about them to have a safe place to come and process what’s happened. REACH is committed to making sure caring, safe adults can find safety and support for identifying a way forward after the sexual abuse has been disclosed. We work with the advocates at KARE who do such invaluable work across Haywood County to assist child survivors and their families.
Abuse of any form is despicable. If it occurs within the family and/or trusted relationships, it shatters the victim’s ability to trust anyone.
Healing from abuse is a process, not an event. What the victim needs and deserves is a chance to find help and understanding, and to begin to learn that trusting relationships can still be found. There are, in fact, many good people who want to stand beside them as they start to move forward, away from the abuse and toward safety.
For more information, see RAINN.org and bravehearts.org. Call REACH of Haywood County at 828.456.7898 for more options and resources.
(Kit Gruelle is the Victim Advocate at REACH of Haywood County)
