Supporting a friend: What to do when someone confides in you
Susannah High (left) and Elan Seago (right).
File photoFile photo
It usually doesn’t start with a report or a formal complaint — it starts with a conversation. A friend, a classmate or a roommate quietly says, “Can I tell you something?” and suddenly, you’re the person they trust with something heavy.
For many college students who experience sexual assault or relationship violence, confiding in a peer feels safer than reaching out to an office or making an official report. That means students are often the first line of support in moments that matter most.
Knowing how to respond, with empathy and nonjudgmental support, can make a powerful difference in whether someone feels heard, supported and encouraged to seek help.
While these conversations may feel rare or unexpected, they are more common than many realize. According to RAINN (the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), 13% of all students experience rape or sexual assault, with rates even higher for undergraduate women (26.4%) and students with marginalized or nonconforming identities (21%). Women ages 18-24 who are college students are 3 times more likely than women in general to experience sexual violence. With sobering statistics like this, the chances are relatively high that you could have a friend confide in you about experiencing sexual violence.
If a friend chooses to confide in you, recognize it as a huge sign of trust and acknowledge how brave it took for them to open up. Along with listening nonjudgmentally, saying something like, “Thank you for telling me,” “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” or “I’m here for you,” can go a long way.
Avoid saying things that could be interpreted as victim-blaming or not believing them. Some examples of what not to say include things like, “Are you sure that’s what happened?” “It could have been worse,” or “Why would you even put yourself in that situation?” If a survivor discloses to you, don’t ask what they were wearing, if they were drinking, or why they didn’t report to the police. These questions remove blame from the perpetrator and place it on the survivor, causing even more pain.
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Just listen. Sit with them. Show that you care. Remember, supporting someone doesn’t mean fixing the situation or having the perfect response. You just have to show up and hold space. Additionally, don’t pressure them to share all the details. What they share with you is their choice, and pushing them to relive every detail could cause more harm.
You can also offer to help your friend connect with additional support, whether that means going with them to an appointment or simply helping them explore their options. In Haywood County, resources like Reach of Haywood County and WNC Alliance provide support for survivors. On campus, Haywood Community College’s Student Wellness office offers free counseling and can help students connect with local services. With that said, remember that being a good advocate is not about pushing someone to speak out, report, or take action before they’re ready. Respect your friend’s autonomy and support them no matter what they choose to do.
Supporting a friend through a situation like this can be heavy, and it’s important to take care of yourself, too. Give yourself space to process and recharge. If you need to talk to someone, do so in a way that protects your friend’s privacy and confidentiality. Showing up for someone in a difficult moment isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about being present, compassionate, and willing to listen; and how you respond in that moment can shape whether someone feels safe enough to seek further help.
(Elan Seago is Haywood Community College’s Student Life and Wellness Specialist.)
