When love becomes a weapon
Picture by Lynn Carlson with therapy dog Julip.
For many of us, pets are family. They greet us at the door, comfort us when we are sad and offer love without judgment.
As a mental health clinician specializing in animal-assisted therapy, I have witnessed the deep, healing bonds that can exist between humans and their animals. Companion animals are more than just pets. They often serve as family, as emotional support and at times as the only source of wholehearted love in a person's life.
Unfortunately, this strong connection is well understood by those who perpetrate acts of interpersonal violence. In cases of domestic violence, animals are too often used as tools for control, creating a heartbreaking and frequently overlooked barrier that hinders a survivor's ability to escape an unsafe situation. This issue is widespread and not adequately recognized. According to the Domestic Violence Services Network (2024), approximately 70% of individuals experiencing interpersonal violence report that their abuser has harmed or threatened their pets.
Abusers exploit the deep love victims have for their animals in terrifying and traumatic ways that impact everyone in the home, including children. Survivors may remain in dangerous situations longer than they wish to keep their pets safe. Some have reported returning to abuse because they couldn't bear the thought of their animal being harmed or neglected while they were in a safe shelter.
Abusers use pets to undermine a victim's emotional resilience. Here are some common tactics they employ:
• Threats of Harm: Abusers may threaten to hurt or kill the pet if the survivor does not comply with their demands, thereby further intimidating and controlling the victim.
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• Using Pets as Leverage: They may refuse to allow the survivor to take the animal if they leave, or they may promise access to the pet to lure them back.
• Emotional Isolation: Abusers may attack the survivor's only source of comfort, their pet, isolating them emotionally.
• Neglect as Punishment: Intentionally withholding food, veterinary care or affection from the animal as a way to punish the survivor for not complying with demands.
• Manipulating Custody: They may refuse to allow the survivor to take the animal during a separation, or promise access as a way to regain control.
• Forced Participation in Abuse: Abusers may force survivors to witness or participate in the abuse of the animal, deepening the trauma and reinforcing their control.
In many cases, pets become silent victims, suffering in the background of domestic abuse. One significant barrier for survivors wishing to leave abusive situations is their deep concern for their pets. Traditionally, domestic violence shelters have not been equipped to accommodate animals, but this is changing. Many shelters, including our local REACH of Haywood County shelter, now offer pet-friendly options or partner with foster programs to ensure the safety of pets. Nearly half of survivors have delayed leaving abusive homes because they could not take their pets, which creates a profoundly difficult decision. Choosing between personal safety and the safety of a beloved animal is a cruel position to be in.
Animals do not just suffer alongside survivors; they can also help them heal. In therapy, I have observed how reconnecting with a beloved pet or interacting with a gentle therapy animal helps survivors regain trust, reduce anxiety and rebuild their sense of worth. When we support both survivors and their animals, we send a powerful message: You both matter. You both deserve safety.
No one should have to choose between escaping abuse and protecting their pets. By making space for the whole family, including both humans and animals, we open the door to healing, hope and lasting change.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse and are worried about the safety of a pet, help is available. REACH of Haywood County provides safe shelter, advocacy and pet-friendly options for survivors and their animals. You can call REACH anytime at 828.456.7898.
For those needing temporary foster care or support for their pets, Misfit Mountain partners with local agencies and fosters to provide compassionate care and placement. You can contact them at 828.549.8633.
You don’t have to face this alone — help is here for you and your pets.
(Lynn Carlson, MS, LCMHCS, CAAP, is a licensed therapist.)
