Editor’s note: October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and REACH of Haywood County and The Smoky Mountain News have partnered in this week’s issue to raise awareness about this issue (see stories Page 4-9).
About 25 years ago, I was out dancing with friends. The dance floor was hot, I was having fun, and eventually I stepped away to the bar to cool off and grab a cold drink. A man came over and started talking to me. He was nice enough. Not bad looking. We chatted for a few minutes, and eventually he asked if I wanted to dance.
I told him no. Nothing dramatic. Nothing rude. I simply said, “No, thanks. I’m with my friends tonight.”
His response was immediate: “Whatever, you fucking slut.”
I remember standing there stunned. It was not the first time my sexuality, or simply my existence as a woman, had been used against me. It certainly would not be the last. But 25 years later, I can still remember that moment clear as day. A man was interested in me. I declined his attention. And within seconds, I went from being someone worth pursuing to someone worthy of contempt.
That memory came rushing back recently when comedian Shane Gillis hosted “Saturday Night Live” and joked that women at the gym “dress like whores.” The joke generated immediate criticism, and many of us found ourselves asking a larger question: Why does degrading women remain acceptable entertainment on one of the biggest stages in American culture?
The timing felt especially jarring. It came during Domestic Violence Awareness Month and in the wake of horrific allegations of gang rape at Cornell University. At a moment when we should be asking hard questions about how women are treated, believed, protected, and valued, one of the oldest forms of degradation was still being served up for a laugh.
I found myself wondering what would happen if a comedian stood on that same stage and used a racial slur with the same casualness. We have, as a society, come to understand that certain words carry histories of dehumanization and violence. We recognize that language can reinforce prejudice and signal whose dignity is negotiable. So why are we still so comfortable when the target is women? Have words like “slut,” “whore,” and “bitch” become so normalized that we barely register them before moving on?
Many people may not see a direct line between degradation and violence. At REACH of Haywood County, we see that line every day.
Of course, a joke is not domestic violence. Calling a woman a whore is not the same thing as hitting her, and we should not pretend that it is. But after years of working with survivors of sexual violence and dating violence on college campuses, and now serving as executive director of REACH of Haywood County, I have learned that we make a serious mistake when we assume violence begins with the punch.
Often, long before the bruise, there is humiliation. There is intimidation. There is entitlement. There is contempt.
At REACH, one of the tools we use to help survivors understand abusive relationships is the Power and Control Wheel. Developed in Duluth, Minnesota, after advocates listened extensively to battered women describe their experiences, the wheel illustrates domestic violence as much more than physical assault. It includes intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, coercion, economic abuse, threats, and other behaviors used to establish power over another person. Many of the clients we work with at REACH see that wheel displayed, and it helps them understand that what they are experiencing is a form of abuse. It is validating to them, as they, too have grown up in a society where humiliation and degradation have become so normalized that they were unclear if what they were experiencing was abuse.
Michael Paymar, one of the people involved in its development, recalled something striking from those conversations with survivors: Again and again, women talked about degradation preceding violence. They described being called sluts, bitches, and whores. Advocates began recognizing patterns of emotional abuse, psychological abuse, coercion, intimidation, sexual abuse, and entitlement — behaviors that, taken together, helped explain battering as a system of power and control rather than simply an isolated act of anger.
That distinction matters. Not every person who tells an offensive joke will abuse a partner. Not every insult predicts violence. But language can tell us something about what we tolerate.
Despite the progress women have made, the broader numbers remain staggering. CDC data has found that sexual harassment, sexual violence, stalking, and intimate partner violence remain common experiences for women in the United States. The FBI has also found that more than one-quarter of reported violent crimes involve a domestic relationship.
These are not fringe experiences. They are woven into the lives of millions of women.
This is why prevention matters. The CDC recommends teaching healthy relationship skills, engaging men and boys as allies, empowering bystanders, and creating environments where violence and coercion are less acceptable. That work begins long before someone calls law enforcement, seeks a protective order, or arrives at a shelter. We at REACH are excited to have a new chapter of prevention education ahead of us, including stronger partnerships with local schools, hosting quarterly self defense courses, and making plans on how we can engage boys and men in our community as allies.
It begins when a boy hears his friend call a girl a slut. It begins when a man hears another man humiliate his wife. It begins when someone makes a woman’s body the punchline and everybody laughs. Our goal should not be to police every bad joke or pretend offensive words are equivalent to physical violence. Our goal should be to ask ourselves what those jokes reveal about what we excuse, normalize, and teach the people around us to tolerate.
And perhaps most importantly, we need to stop thinking that someone has to be in immediate physical danger before they are “allowed” to ask for help.
If someone is constantly putting you down, humiliating you, controlling your money, isolating you from people you love, monitoring your movements, threatening you, pressuring you sexually or making you feel afraid in your own relationship, you do not have to wait for it to become worse before reaching out.
The advocates at REACH of Haywood County talk with people every day who are trying to make sense of what is happening in their relationships. Sometimes they need emergency shelter. Sometimes they need legal advocacy or safety planning. And sometimes they simply need a knowledgeable person to listen, help them name what they are experiencing, and talk through their options.
There is no threshold you have to cross before you call us. You do not have to be ready to leave or have bruises. You certainly do not have to wait for the first punch.
Sometimes the earliest and most powerful act of prevention is simply telling someone what is happening, and hearing, perhaps for the first time, that you have options.
If you need to talk, REACH of Haywood County has a 24/7 Helpline and we encourage you to use it. Please call us at 828.456.7898. You can also email us at youmatter@reachofhaywood.org .
(Dr. Sara Vogel is Executive Director of REACH of Haywood County.)